A place where we practice random acts of insight and humor.
Tsk tsk...told you not to!
Published on August 30, 2007 By OckhamsRazor In Humor
Maybe I'm a masochist of a different variety. I like discussing religion - basically of all types, but the only ones that seem to generate any healthy (and maybe sometimes not so healthy) debate are Christians. So I'm re-reading the King James bible to reacquaint myself with certain things in it that - I'm sorry - to me make no sense. I'm not expecting much debate on this stuff, really, because debate requires logic, and there is no logic to be found in a lot of this. It isn't meant to denigrate the Christian religion, but simply to point out that maybe we don't know as much as we think we do.

The first subject of this series, if it actually turns out to be one, is the fabled Tree of Good and Evil.

When God put Adam into the garden of Eden, he said to him: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Genesis 1:16-17

As it turns out, that, literally, was a lie. When Adam and Eve ate of the tree, they didn't die. In fact they went on to live quite a while. I realize that it was to be a symbolic death in Christian dogma - that eating of this tree would result in all sorts of terrible things for mankind, but since Adam hadn't eaten of the tree of knowledge at the point this order was given, how was he supposed to know what it meant?

Consider some of these other fun facts from Genesis.

The serpent which beguiled Eve (since she too at that point didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground in terms of good and evil since she hadn't eaten of the tree, yet) said to her:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:5

Now check this out. This is after they ate and Daddy found out.

And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Genesis 3:22

So apparently the evil old snake wasn't lying. It looks to me that God was way pissed off that by eating the tree of knowledge of good and evil AND eating of the tree of life would make Adam and Eve to be Gods themselves. Oh HELL no. (And that's probably what this god actually said)

And wait a minute! Did you catch that?!! Behold, the man is become as one of us

US? US!!!??? Who the heck is he talking to? I always thought there was only supposed to be one God according to Christian dogma...oh details details, Ock. Puh-lease. Stop confusing us with facts from our own litany...uh...I mean liturgy.

Anyway, that's really a digression. So...

God said "See that big tree over there with all the really juicy fruit on it?"
And Adam, since he didn't understand good from evil yet looked blankly and said "Uh...yeah?"
And God said "Just because I put it there waving right in front of your face, looking all juicy and all, and even though I deliberately put it here when I could have kept it somewhere else doesn't mean you can eat from it. You understand that?"
And Adam said "Uh...I guess" and scratched his head.
And God said, "Cool. Now I have some errands to run. I can't be hanging out with you here all day. Oh but first, go to sleep. I made you from dirt, but vagina's are way more complicated, so I'm going to need one of your body parts, and quite honestly, if you're awake, it might hurt a tad, because even though you don't have the knowledge of good and evil yet, I HAVE given you pain, like a good loving Dad is wont to do."
And Adam said "What's a vagina? Does it involve eating fruit?"
And God said "No, it doesn't - exactly - but you're going to like it anyway, so go to sleep."

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22

So you know how the story goes after that from my earlier comment. The serpent, who had apparently been feasting on the tree of knowledge and knew the whole death thing was a bold faced lie - unless it was because he was really Satan - which isn't mentioned anywhere in the chapter for some reason, but is apparently the common explanation - convinced poor ignorant Eve that that would be some really tasty fruit. Poor ignorant lass. I feel bad for her. As you'll soon see why.

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. Genesis 3:6-7

So. Being naked is evil, apparently. Were you aware your genitals were evil? Oh yes. Cover 'em up right away - even in the presence of your spouse. God gave you that stuff, on purpose, all by himself, but he knew you'd be really ashamed of it if you knew what it was. He said be fruitful and multiply. And he said to eat of all this fruit which has a pretty high water content. But you're not supposed to know that peeing and procreating are the uses of these paraphernalia because KNOWING is EVIL. And there's no way you'd figure it out while pissing and procreating unless you ate fruit from a certain tree. For some reason. They probably walked around saying "Whoa!!! How am I doing this walking thing??!! and had no idea it was their legs, too.

And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:8-13

Strange that God didn't know where Adam was hiding. Ok, I'll let that one go.

Now here's something I don't get. "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat."

Yeah that's right dude. YOU gave him that woman. Didn't you know anything about women? You made her for crying out loud...c'MON! I'd have seen this coming from a mile away! Hell, I'd have seen it if Adam ate from the tree seeing as how he was completely ignorant as to the concept of right and wrong prior to doing it. Is this not a failure in logic?

God: "Hey listen dude. I'm going to tell you something that's wrong to do. And even though you have absolutely NO capacity to understand that I'm telling you it's wrong, just take my word on it, k?"
Adam: "Drool."

Ok, yeah, there's more. We're not even out of chapter 3 yet. This may take a few blogs.

And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

So...supposedly the snake was Satan. According to religious dogma. So what did God do? He punished all snakes that would ever live to be on their bellies and eat dust and such. Um. Weren't serpents on their bellies already? And I'm not sure we should let God know this. He might get pissed or something (and in later chapters you'll see that if God gets pissed, that's really not cool for those of us he brought here), but...uh...*looks around warily*...snakes are eating pretty good these days, and they aren't eating dust...ever.

Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Gensis 3:16-17

So that first line is what Christian dogma explains as the reason women have periods every month and the reason childbirth is painful. I guess if Eve hadn't eaten from that tree, babies would have sprung from her like...I dunno...mist out of her ears that coalesced into full fledged human beings. Sorry Eve. If you'd eaten the tree of knowledge sooner, you might have realized how stupid it would be to eat from the tree of knowledge. Sorry dear.

As for us men. We gotta grow our own food forever now. I guess. I mean this is the word of God, no? Oops...hold on. Microwave just went off. Gotta get my hotpockets.

Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken. Genesis 3:23

And the rousing conclusion to this chapter.

So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life. Genesis 3:24

Because there was no other way to do it, I guess. Like remove the garden entirely or something. Actually, he planted it according to Genesis 2:8. Created the entire universe in 6 days but wanted to add a personal touch, I suppose. For some reason. So maybe having a garden with no one in it to disturb the precious tree of knowledge due to their own ignorance was appealing somehow. Who knows? The lord works in mysterious ways.




Comments (Page 2)
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on Aug 30, 2007
She'll never see it. It's something to be ashamed of.
on Aug 30, 2007
I don't see work as toil, by the way. I see it as being.
on Aug 31, 2007
O'dom = 'blood in the face.'


Ahhh...so Adam probably really wasn't named Adam until he saw Eve's naked complex parts that couldn't be made just from dust, probably got aroused over it, and was ashamed. I get it.

The hordes of men and women mentioned in Genesis 1 would later come to be known as 'The Mud People.' Heathen savages, souless by birth.


That actually in KJB? I haven't gotten that far.

Adam and Eve kept their bloodlines pure


Not really possible without the inbreeding of all their children, none of whom I have read are daughters, so even more not possible.

and thus we have caucasians appearing on this earth quite suddenly, and archeologically speaking, only about 6000 years ago. The mud people bones date back much further.


Now now. Carbon-14 dating isn't written about in the bible ANYwhere - which makes it clearly the invention of Satan-guided men. Just ask Walter McCrone.

We can discuss these theories more as I continue the series, but for the most part, I'm sticking very strictly to exactly what the book says.

on Aug 31, 2007
And...there was no condemnation of incest in the Bible, at least not that early in the story.


Not to mention polygamy, but I haven't gotten that far, yet Probably will come in the next article.
on Sep 01, 2007
I missed making a few responses, so I will now.

singrdave:
He may not have known good from evil, but he had the ability to follow simple instructions. This tree, BAD. Every other tree, GOOD.


Dave, what's the difference between bad and good and evil and good? I have to disagree with you. Without eating from this tree, there would be no way for Adam or Eve to understand the command.

When they ate of the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve had become like God, knowing good from evil and having transgressed. If they'd also eaten from the tree of life, they'd have been immortal too -- thus negating the mission of Jesus Christ to pay for their (and everybody else's) sins


I am familiar with this concept of Adam and Eve HAD to sin so that Jesus could come and fix it all later, which to me is a really ridiculous way to go about treating your children, but that aside, if it DID go down, just that way, then why didn't God say "Hey...thanks Eve! You did exactly what I wanted and expected you to, and now my plan is right on track. I appreciate it!"

Jythier:
Where's Adam? Where's Eve? Oh, that's right, they're DEAD. Hence... not a lie.


I'm just reporting the facts straight from the book, J. The line clearly says "IN the day" not "AFTER the day."

Planted a garden, and you expect him to just remove it?


You have kids, right J? I don't recall. Actually after the comment about childbirth, no, you don't have kids yet. Still, you can imagine this scenario. If you have a basket full of baseballs, and you tell your two year old "Now no touchie the baseballs!" and your child promptly picks up a baseball and launches it through a nearby window the first second you aren't watching it, what are you going to do? Replace the glass and hand the kid another ball? Well, maybe you would. Right after berating them about how utterly bad they are as people. To your two year old you'd do this. And then you'd kick him out of the house and tell him that there is absolutley no way to ever get past this one. You told them not to touch the shiny baseballs, that you put in easy reach, and they touched them. Evil evil two year old!!!! SINNER!!!

I don't think you'd do any of these things. You'd say to yourself, "That was dumb of me. Two year olds are curious. I have no one to blame for that broken glass but myself. Then you'd replace the glass and move the basket to somewhere the two year old could no longer reach it, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

There's been some debate - very little, but some - in this thread about what exactly Adam and Eve knew before they ate from that tree. They seem to have been made full grown and with the ability to talk. They needed to eat, so they were already suffering before doing anything at all. Hunger being a form of suffering that requires continual maintenance to relieve - temporarily. What else did they know or not know? Not good and evil, for sure, but what else? What software package came default in Adam and Eve v1.0? Do they get to upgrade after being 1 day old? Nope, because it said right there in the EULA: In version 1.1, you'll be able to make a decision not to take certain actions - PROVIDED you have not yet taken those actions. This version will not be available until you DO take those actions.

The second installation is brewing in the back of my mind, but I have to wait for the snake to swallow his mouthful of dust so he can whisper it to me.

Maybe tomorrow.
on Sep 02, 2007
I have two kids, by the way. And that comment on childbirth was completely misunderstood, and I clarified, but nobody cares about that because I'm just a guy, why would I even mention childbirth? How dare I say anything about it?

And 2 year olds do that WHILE you're watching them, by the way.

My oldest has quite an arm already, he's going to be two end of October.

Adam and Eve had all the information they needed and enough intelligence to not blindly follow directions, for sure. They did not have the intelligence of a two year old. They also knew their creator, that they had been created, and He had told them NOT to do a certain thing.

"And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise,"

Sounds like someone's able to process things pretty well there. She didn't just do whatever she was told, she checks things out for herself. She didn't just do what the snake told her to do either. So why do you keep saying they were created stupid when they obviously were able to think for themselves?
on Sep 03, 2007
For a master of the obvious, it should be so. I don't believe this story is real.

And I didn't say they were stupid, in fact I went into detail about wondering what exactly DID they know, because we can debate their comprehension levels all day long, but the result is the same - what were their actions? That's the only indicator we really have of their ability to comprehend. What they DID.

Whenever I ponder this stuff, there's only one thought process I can go to - my own. That process is that if I was Adam, or Eve for that matter, and I understood the directive of the being that made me, not only would I not eat that fruit, I'd probably live as far away from that tree as possible. God would say "Ock, don't eat from that tree over there" and Ock would say "I'll go you one better, Dad, I won't even look at it." I'd be surprised by anyone saying that if things were as described - God created Adam, then Eve, and they KNEW He did so - that if in their shoes they'd say "Oh yeah. I'd eat from that tree immediately." That's what makes it difficult for me to believe that Eve could be so cavalier about it. And if I did eat of it and found myself caught, my reaction would not be to point fingers. Adam pointed to Eve (blame). Eve pointed at the snake (blame) I'd have pointed at myself (and I do daily). Again, I am surprised they didn't which is why the story lacks versimilitude for me.
on Sep 03, 2007
Of course you'd eat that fruit, Ock. You're eating it right now, when confronted with Jesus. The one thing he told you you need to do, and you ignore it instead. You ARE eating the fruit.

If you weren't going to eat the fruit, it would've been, "Believe in Jesus." "I'll go you one better Dad, I'll believe in Jesus AND try to live like He did."

Also, God gave ADAM the command directly, not Eve.
on Sep 04, 2007
She knew. Obviously she knew, she talked about it with the snake. But God had given the command beforehand, to Adam. Adam told Eve. She disobeyed her husband, and her God. She knew just as well what He had said, even though He did not speak to her directly on the subject.

Adam was not deceived by Eve. He knew what he was doing when he ate the fruit. He was following Eve instead of God.
on Sep 04, 2007
F in Objectivism.
on Sep 04, 2007
You've pretty much proven the point that only someone seeking the truth will find it. If you were seeking the truth, you would think about the Bible in order to make sense of it, instead of looking at it to poke holes in it. You will be able to poke holes, but there will always be an alternate explanation that makes sense. If you are trying to make sense of it, you will find it. If you try to make it senseless and contradictory, you will be able to, because you have spotted something and no other explanation needs to be heard. Why would you listen to me? I'm a Christian, trapped in my blind obedience. My explanations must not make sense.

The Bible works in such a way that whatever you want to find in it, you will find. If you want to find a book that doesn't make sense, you'll find it. If you want to find a reason to hate gays, you'll find that. And if you want to find the truth, God's truth, you'll find that.

Have fun in your quest to smear our book. All you're going to prove is that you don't want to know God's truth.
on Sep 04, 2007
Have fun in your quest to smear our book.


Do have fun, and do keep it up. I find your humorous outlook refreshing, and makes me see my own beliefs through new eyes.
on Sep 04, 2007
The Bible works in such a way that whatever you want to find in it, you will find.


Gee, why didn't *I* think of that? Ok, I'm bumping you up to a D.

Have fun in your quest to smear our book. All you're going to prove is that you don't want to know God's truth


Oops. Back to an F again. But Objectivism is offered every semester, including summers, so you can try again someday. I recommend Sense of Humor 101, too.

Do have fun, and do keep it up. I find your humorous outlook refreshing, and makes me see my own beliefs through new eyes.


I'm glad the humor part wasn't lost on you. Hehe, everyone loves that "don't pull the mote from someone else's eye," line...up to a point, and then its forgotten.

Consider yourself 'told', Ock!


In my next one, I think I'll just do the post, and then write all the replies, too. It wouldn't exactly be hard to predict.
on Nov 10, 2007
"Maybe I'm a masochist of a different variety. I like discussing religion - basically of all types, but the only ones that seem to generate any healthy (and maybe sometimes not so healthy) debate are Christians. So I'm re-reading the King James bible to reacquaint myself with certain things in it that - I'm sorry - to me make no sense. I'm not expecting much debate on this stuff, really, because debate requires logic, and there is no logic to be found in a lot of this. It isn't meant to denigrate the Christian religion, but simply to point out that maybe we don't know as much as we think we do."

Thanks for the article O-R. As a student of the scriptures I always find it comforting to find those who bring the truth of the scripture to light......

"Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return unto the lord, and He will have mercy upon him; and to our God for He will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

For the individual that attempts to glean the depth of the word if God apart from the The Spirit of Truth, it is liken to one attempting to explain global warming to a ferret.

hamartanō
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