Tsk tsk...told you not to!
Maybe I'm a masochist of a different variety. I like discussing religion - basically of all types, but the only ones that seem to generate any healthy (and maybe sometimes not so healthy) debate are Christians. So I'm re-reading the King James bible to reacquaint myself with certain things in it that - I'm sorry - to me make no sense. I'm not expecting much debate on this stuff, really, because debate requires logic, and there is no logic to be found in a lot of this. It isn't meant to denigrate the Christian religion, but simply to point out that maybe we don't know as much as we think we do.
The first subject of this series, if it actually turns out to be one, is the fabled Tree of Good and Evil.
When God put Adam into the garden of Eden, he said to him: And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. Genesis 1:16-17
As it turns out, that, literally, was a lie. When Adam and Eve ate of the tree, they didn't die. In fact they went on to live quite a while. I realize that it was to be a symbolic death in Christian dogma - that eating of this tree would result in all sorts of terrible things for mankind, but since Adam hadn't eaten of the tree of knowledge at the point this order was given, how was he supposed to know what it meant?
Consider some of these other fun facts from Genesis.
The serpent which beguiled Eve (since she too at that point didn't know her ass from a hole in the ground in terms of good and evil since she hadn't eaten of the tree, yet) said to her:
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. Genesis 3:5
Now check this out. This is after they ate and Daddy found out.
And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever: Genesis 3:22
So apparently the evil old snake wasn't lying. It looks to me that God was way pissed off that by eating the tree of knowledge of good and evil AND eating of the tree of life would make Adam and Eve to be Gods themselves. Oh HELL no. (And that's probably what this god actually said)
And wait a minute! Did you catch that?!! Behold, the man is become as one of us
US? US!!!??? Who the heck is he talking to? I always thought there was only supposed to be one God according to Christian dogma...oh details details, Ock. Puh-lease. Stop confusing us with facts from our own litany...uh...I mean liturgy.
Anyway, that's really a digression. So...
God said "See that big tree over there with all the really juicy fruit on it?"
And Adam, since he didn't understand good from evil yet looked blankly and said "Uh...yeah?"
And God said "Just because I put it there waving right in front of your face, looking all juicy and all, and even though I deliberately put it here when I could have kept it somewhere else doesn't mean you can eat from it. You understand that?"
And Adam said "Uh...I guess" and scratched his head.
And God said, "Cool. Now I have some errands to run. I can't be hanging out with you here all day. Oh but first, go to sleep. I made you from dirt, but vagina's are way more complicated, so I'm going to need one of your body parts, and quite honestly, if you're awake, it might hurt a tad, because even though you don't have the knowledge of good and evil yet, I HAVE given you pain, like a good loving Dad is wont to do."
And Adam said "What's a vagina? Does it involve eating fruit?"
And God said "No, it doesn't - exactly - but you're going to like it anyway, so go to sleep."
And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. Genesis 2:21-22
So you know how the story goes after that from my earlier comment. The serpent, who had apparently been feasting on the tree of knowledge and knew the whole death thing was a bold faced lie - unless it was because he was really Satan - which isn't mentioned anywhere in the chapter for some reason, but is apparently the common explanation - convinced poor ignorant Eve that that would be some really tasty fruit. Poor ignorant lass. I feel bad for her. As you'll soon see why.
And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. Genesis 3:6-7
So. Being naked is evil, apparently. Were you aware your genitals were evil? Oh yes. Cover 'em up right away - even in the presence of your spouse. God gave you that stuff, on purpose, all by himself, but he knew you'd be really ashamed of it if you knew what it was. He said be fruitful and multiply. And he said to eat of all this fruit which has a pretty high water content. But you're not supposed to know that peeing and procreating are the uses of these paraphernalia because KNOWING is EVIL. And there's no way you'd figure it out while pissing and procreating unless you ate fruit from a certain tree. For some reason. They probably walked around saying "Whoa!!! How am I doing this walking thing??!! and had no idea it was their legs, too.
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat. And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:8-13
Strange that God didn't know where Adam was hiding. Ok, I'll let that one go.
Now here's something I don't get. "The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat."
Yeah that's right dude. YOU gave him that woman. Didn't you know anything about women? You made her for crying out loud...c'MON! I'd have seen this coming from a mile away! Hell, I'd have seen it if Adam ate from the tree seeing as how he was completely ignorant as to the concept of right and wrong prior to doing it. Is this not a failure in logic?
God: "Hey listen dude. I'm going to tell you something that's wrong to do. And even though you have absolutely NO capacity to understand that I'm telling you it's wrong, just take my word on it, k?"
Adam: "Drool."
Ok, yeah, there's more. We're not even out of chapter 3 yet. This may take a few blogs.
And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
So...supposedly the snake was Satan. According to religious dogma. So what did God do? He punished all snakes that would ever live to be on their bellies and eat dust and such. Um. Weren't serpents on their bellies already? And I'm not sure we should let God know this. He might get pissed or something (and in later chapters you'll see that if God gets pissed, that's really not cool for those of us he brought here), but...uh...*looks around warily*...snakes are eating pretty good these days, and they aren't eating dust...ever.
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life; Gensis 3:16-17
So that first line is what Christian dogma explains as the reason women have periods every month and the reason childbirth is painful. I guess if Eve hadn't eaten from that tree, babies would have sprung from her like...I dunno...mist out of her ears that coalesced into full fledged human beings. Sorry Eve. If you'd eaten the tree of knowledge sooner, you might have realized how stupid it would be to eat from the tree of knowledge. Sorry dear.
As for us men. We gotta grow our own food forever now. I guess. I mean this is the word of God, no? Oops...hold on. Microwave just went off. Gotta get my hotpockets.
Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken. Genesis 3:23
And the rousing conclusion to this chapter.
So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life. Genesis 3:24
Because there was no other way to do it, I guess. Like remove the garden entirely or something. Actually, he planted it according to Genesis 2:8. Created the entire universe in 6 days but wanted to add a personal touch, I suppose. For some reason. So maybe having a garden with no one in it to disturb the precious tree of knowledge due to their own ignorance was appealing somehow. Who knows? The lord works in mysterious ways.