Put down that cheeseburger. Now. Do it NOW!
I haven't had one cigarette today, and it's all because of a wonderful device called the E-cigarette. It delivers nicotine to the body on water vapor. There's no smell, no tar, no second hand smoke, no smell in my clothes or on my breath. It's WATER VAPOR with nicotine added.
The FDA, in its infinite wisdom, is looking at BANNING this device. Oh man, we can't have you getting a nicotine fix without all the health problems that come with it through normal means.
Ok, FDA, so in keeping with logic, I write to you:
Dear FDA,
It has come to our recent attention that you are considering banning "Electronic Cigarettes" but you're gonna keep the fuckin REAL ones! This is a wonderful idea, and we understand that it is your pure concern for the health of Americans that drives this decision.
Although I do not speak for all E-Cigarette smokers, I think most of them would echo my words when we say "Thank you for also shutting down most fast food places which serve food that is high in fat and leads directly to heart disease. In addition, thank you for eliminating things that are high in sucrose, because, once again, many people in America currently suffer from obesity, not to mention Diabetes, which are both health problems, and we totally honor your integrity when it comes to protecting the health of Americans.
In fact, we honor your efforts SO much, that I regret to inform you that if you outlaw E-Cigarettes, but not high fructose corn syrup, high fat foods sold by fast food places, high sucrose items including soda and power drinks, high caffeine items from Starbuck's and other similar places, we will sadly be forced to sue you. Let's not let it come to that. That would be a real shame, but unfortunately our drive for freedom and justice for all Americans will not permit us to be swayed.
Thank you for your time, and I hope to NOT see you in court, because it's going to be ugly if I do.
Ock